I am pleased to announce the opening of the First Craig Mattress Trust. I am happy to offer my mattress for anyone who wishes to stuff their life savings. Feeling unsure about your bank, mutual fund or hedge fund? With the mattress trust I offer an absolute guaranteed rate of return* and the very best security. I have a deadbolt. I am a very large and intimidating figure. I live in a very nice neighborhood (We have lots of Obama-Biden signs.) Plus, I'm very messey, and thus maintain the illusion of semi-poverty so no one would look in my mattress for any kind of payday. That's security you can depend on.
Put your faith in the First Craig Mattress Trust. Because everyone else is going to screw you.
*0 percent annual rate of return. Guaranteed.